People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them. - Epictetus
Most of us assume that it's what happens to us that makes us feel good or bad. It's what some online troll just said that makes me angry. It's the news story I just watched about Afghanistan that's making me sad and compassionate. It's the number of Likes on any given post on my blog that boosts my confidence.
But this isn't right. Not even close.
One of the most important things you'll ever learn about your own mind is that it's essentially a filter for everything that you will ever experience. Your mind processes everything that happens to you and determines how you feel and act in the world: something happens to you; your mind interprets it in some way based on prior beliefs, expectations, and past experiences; and then it makes a judgment about what that experience means. And it's that judgment that causes you to feel or act in a certain way, not the thing that happened to you. To see how this works, consider two students, Jasmine and Matt. Both have just received the same grade, 80%, on the same test. Jasmine is devastated: she's ashamed and worried, and goes on to hide the test from her parents. Matt, on the other hand, is overcome with elation: he's proud and excited, and goes on to show his parents the test. Jasmine and Matt have reacted very differently to the same event. How is this possible? It's possible because the same event—receiving 80% on a test—has been interpreted in very different ways. Put differently: Jasmine and Matt are telling themselves very different stories about the meaning of the same event.
To see how this might make sense, let's push the example even further:
Imagine that Jasmine has a personal history of being invalidated by her parents and excessively pressured to achieve the highest degree of excellence in all of her pursuits. Only the best outcome counts, and anything short of the best is unacceptable. Jasmine has been maintaining a 90% average this semester. As a result, Jasmine has come to believe certain things, such as "If I don't get 100% on this test, Mom and Dad will think I'm a failure" or "Anything less than 90% is unacceptable." Unsurprisingly, upon seeing her grade of 80%, Jasmine feels shame and worry, and then proceeds to hide her test grade from parents, fearing their disapproval and rejection.
Now imagine that Matt has a personal history of being validated by his parents and encouraged to achieve excellence to the best of his ability. Only the best effort counts, and as long as he prepares well, works hard, and commits to learning from mistakes, his parents will be happy with his progress. Matt has been maintaining a 70% average this semester. As a result, Matt has come to believe certain things, such as "As long as I work hard and commit to improving, any particular grade doesn't matter all that much", or "Anything above 70% right now is an improvement!" Unsurprisingly, upon seeing his grade of 80%, Matt feels pride and excitement, and can't wait to show his parents his test, knowing that while they'll accept him regardless of his grades, they'll be thrilled to know he's improving.
Based on what they've come to believe about themselves and the world, Jasmine and Matt have come to interpret the same event in very different ways, and therefore feel and act in very different ways.
In this way, the mind is a filter: anything that happens to you gets filtered by the interpretations and judgments that are manufactured by the mind, which has been shaped by past experiences. And these interpretations and judgments—not the events themselves—determine how you feel and what you do.
it's not what happens to you that matters; it's your interpretation of what happens to you that makes all the difference. Or, as Epictetus put it roughly 2000 years ago: "people aren't disturbed by things, but by the view which they take of them."
This is just the first step, however... now that we know that it's our thoughts that affect how we feel and act, what should be done about that?
Stay tuned—I'll save that for another post :)
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